So I recently came across an article about the importance of teaching children to properly label their emotions. I was online looking for ways to help my ESL kids learn better ways to express themselves in English. Every morning I ask my students how they are feeling and post an image next to their names on this board I made for them. For example, I’ll ask one of them, “How are you feeling this morning?” And they will answer, “Happy” or “Hungry” and I’ll attach the “happy” or “hungry” face next to their names. The problem is, the kids are beginning to do group-think. Instead of expressing their own emotions, they wait till the more popular student declares how she’s feeling and then claim to feel the same way. Argh! This is so frustrating as an ESL teacher. The point of me doing this every morning is to get them to stretch their vocabulary so they can properly express themselves, not follow the crowd. But it’s occurred to me that the idea of expressing a vast range of emotions is not highly encouraged where I’m locate. As Michelle Murray said in her article Children Need Words to Put On Their Emotions, “Mixed messages make for confused children. Denial of emotion is a dangerous practice because it denies reality and suppresses feelings that must find expression elsewhere.” I feel that’s what I’m combating every day in my classroom. The children are taught to deny how their feelings and follow suit with the dominant person in their life. Yet, I want these children to not only learn a range of words to express who they feel but to actually mean it. I think overall, parents and teachers MUST be on the same page so kids can really make that connection. I’m pretty sure this disconnect is not only where I am in the world, but is in the US as well. Nevertheless, we need to be on the same page: children should express themselves in a healthy way and done so often. Box of Feelings in RESILIENT Children, I think will be a great lesson plan to combat the group-think. It’s going to take some time to teach my kids all of the different words for emotions, but I think it will help them understand that variety is good and that my classroom is a safe place to express it. I also think that my kids’ parents will be impressed with their knowledge of so many English words that it could be a win-win. They will be happy that their children know so many words, that perhaps it will be okay to use them versus suppressing them. We shall see. If time permits, I’ll capture the lesson on video when I teach it and share with you so you can see how it works out.
It’s often challenging to parents to respond to their children when they show extreme emotions of anger, frustration or fear. Some parents immediately just tell their child to “Stop crying” or “Calm down and don’t scream.” That is dismissing, disregarding and invalidating how your child feels.
Instead of shutting your children’s emotions down parents have an important role in helping children to understand and deal with their emotions. Walking your child through an emotional outburst can be an effective way for your child to learn to have greater control of those emotions.
So, what exactly do you do when your child is having a “meltdown?”
First, ask your child what they are feeling right now. What emotion? If they don’t express themselves then you might suggest certain emotions they may be experiencing. “Are you angry?” “Are you sad?” Children usually calm down if they feel they are being heard and that you’re not trying to fix them.
Then you might ask why they are feeling that way. This often helps the child understand what leads to this emotion.
Then you might say, “How could you handle this situation?” “Do you need my help?”
Children can be taught that emotions are a natural part of being human and that everybody experiences some kinds of emotions. Helping your children to deal with their emotions empowers them to better understand themselves and the situations around them. It also helps them to regulate their emotions and to soothe themselves.
As parents, don’t give up if this process doesn’t work as smoothly as you would like. Stick with it and continue practicing and eventually you will be pleasantly surprised at the progress.
Kids can easily be in conflict with one another—in school or among siblings. Conflict with others can be upsetting. Conflict can occur when kids can’t agree about something. Sometimes they argue or use physical force in their conflict.
The conflict can be over contested toys or space or which program to watch on television. Researchers reveal that conflict between children at play occurs about once every three minutes. So, because conflict is so much a part of life, it’s important to learn how to manage it and resolve it—peacefully, not violently.
Solving problems, conflicts and disagreements with words instead of with
force promotes self-confidence and develops resiliency. Adults can help kids form strong bonds with others by showing them how to use conflict resolving skills.
Typically, kids deal with conflict in the following ways: they avoid it, or they use force, or they give in. These are not healthy options. Research shows that about 60 percent of kids rely on adults to resolve their conflicts.
In researching resiliency, we have identified some of the essential social-emotional skills about solving conflicts peacefully and without hurting one another: listen to each other; together, figure out a solution; show respect for one another; apologize; forgive; take time to cool off; ask an adult for help; know when to walk away. Here is a simple learning activity that you can practice with kids.
A = ASK what the problem is.
B = BRAINSTORM positive solutions.
C = CHOOSE a solution that is fair to all.
D = DO it! Try the solution. Make the effort.
E = EVALUATE whether it worked for you and the other person.
As caring adults, we can fulfill the important role of coach, role model or facilitator for kids in showing them how to resolve conflict. We don’t need to lecture or scold or dictate.
The research is clear: learning positive conflict resolution builds self-confidence, boosts academic performance, and increases self-esteem. Learning how to resolve conflict with siblings and peers helps kids cope with other kinds of stress, strengthening their resiliency into their teen years and adulthood.
Bullying is one of the biggest issues in education today. Thousands of children are bullied every day in and out of school—from kindergarten through high school. It is estimated that 160,000 kids stay home from school every day because they are afraid of being the target of bullying, and one out of every 10 students who drops out of school does so directly because of bullying.
No child in America should be afraid to go to school. A child told us that “bullying does to people what saws do to trees.” At only age ten she has had to learn this unhappy lesson of life. Imagine the difference that every caring adult in this society could make to change that view.
Resilient Children gives the tools to adults to do that! This book is a hands-on resource for educators, parents—all adults who care about inspiring kids to thrive and succeed.
Kids say that they feel a lot safer in school when they know that the adults will stand up for them. This is crucial because a major reason that bullying persists is because kids feel adults don’t care. The bully believes adults won’t bother and the bullied child feels ashamed to speak up believing that adults won’t pay attention. Unfortunately, this is often the case because many adults believe that kids should solve their own problems and teachers aren’t sure how to intervene because they don’t have a clear procedure to follow.
Resilient Children provides the learning activities and the tool box of skills that your child needs to stand up to bullies. It shows you how to help your child become resilient. Specifically, that means managing his or her own behavior, learning positive attitudes and emotions, building positive social interaction, and developing feelings of competency and self-esteem.
When kids are taught social-emotional skills they are more self-confident and they are more content. They begin building a tool box of abilities. That translates into being able to do better in school and to make and keep friendships. Isn’t that what we want for all kids?
The response to bullying isn’t about getting trained in martial arts. It’s developing self- respect and self- esteem. That is why the very first skill that Resilient Children teaches is self- awareness which is recognizing and appreciating how each of us is unique and special.